Tonight.

I've had it with myself. and my life. So I'm ending it now. It may be selfish. But i guess that's just how i am. I am selfish, dependent, a liar, a bully, a slut, manipulative, mean, short tempered, and stupid. I don't deserve the whatever good things I've had in my life. and I'm so sorry to who ever i have hurt. and i'm sorry for who ever my action tonight are going to hurt including my family. I love you all so much but i can't have you keep taking care of me. and i can't live with the person i am anymore. I have tried to change. and i thought i was making progress but its inevidable that i can't and havent. I am grateful to Mikayla, Anna,, Madison, Jamon, and my family for trying to help me and never judging me. And it hurts me to know that i will be hurting you by my selfish act. but i know that in time it will be better for all of us. i'm also grateful to Nick Morlock, Edgar Villalba, and Sarah Pelitier. Because you three have helped me the most. You have opened my eyes to the person i really am and not the person i was pretending to be. I used to live my life making excuses for my actions, hurting ppl i cared about, and with out you guys i would have still been in the dark to what a menice i have become. No one can fully understand my reasoning for my recent thoughts. but i just hope that you know this is what i want. and it already makes me more at peace to know that won't be hurting anyone anymore.

CONFUSION! **Warning.. you may be confused as well after reading**

i was just so confused. and i still am. nothing in my head really makes sense right now.

theres just times i want to cry and other times its like it doesnt even phase me.. but it all changes so frequently. i dont know what i feel or how i feel. or even why i feel that way.. i've never really felt like this. its new to me. and its hard to figure out.

it just sucks.. cause pretty much every memory i have in california somehow is connected with him cause i was never single long enough to make any memories where he wasnt right there with me. and so when i go out with friends or something and i'm having a good time and then we'll drive by something.. or someone will say something that triggers one of those memories.. its like i can't escape sometimes. even in my dreams. i've had 2 nightmares.

the night we broke up.. i had a nightmare. that i met nea ("the other girl"). and i was yelling at her and screaming and crying and hitting her as hard as i could.. and it wasnt doing anything.. she wasnt even getting hurt and it wasnt even effecting her.. and then i woke up from that ..and fell back asleep and the dream picked up again.. and she was just in her bra and underwear. and he was in his boxers. and they were rolling around.. and then started having sex.. i woke up sweating and crying from that dream..

i think that is the worst dream i've ever had and worst feelings i've ever felt. it hurt so deep inside me that i've just never felt a feeling like that before.

it felt real enough as if it had really happened.

the other one was just him not noticing i was there.. i kept trying to get his attention but it was like i was invisible. and it just had a really scary feeling to it.. a really deep feeling of being totally and completely alone.. and unnoticed. like i didnt even exist or something. like i was a ghost and he couldn't see or hear me even though i was right there in front of him.

.....

i'm really happy with my life right now. but at the same time i'm not.. like.. it doesn't really feel like i'm really living. i dont know.. that doesnt make sense. what i am trying to explain is that like.. it feels like i'm just floating through life right now. i'm not having any real feelings towards anything. i dont have desire towards anything. i'm just here. with no purpose. no real reason or thoughts for the future. its like i'm just watching myself. just watching myself do daily things.. but like i can't feel anything. its so weird. i'm so used to knowing how i'm feeling and what is causing my feelings. and what the necessary steps are to be better and overcome it. and now i just dont know or feel anything. well i do.. but its not me feeling it. its me watching myself feel it. only i dont actually know what it is i'm feeling. Ugh. its so hard to try and explain

its as if i'm in a cloud. i feel myself going but i have no clue where.

Someone told me "its a part of flow"

well im sick of flowing.

fuck the flow.

lol

i feel like i'm lost again. like i'm missing part of myself. and i dont know where it went.

the only thing left that i know how to do is just breath now.

keep my heart pumping.

its like nothing has a purpose anymore. i just dont know what i'm doing

i had myself. i knew who i was. what i stood for. what i wanted in life. and now its like i have amnesia

maybe its time to reinvent myself.

i guess in actuality i have no choice but to reinvent myself. cause i no longer know who i am. or was.

i'm just going to start focusing on me. and me only for a while.

i just think i've been focusing so much on trying to do things for him. even if it wasn't what i thought was fair or what i wanted. because i wanted him to be happy. cause when he's happy he's not mad at me. and then i dont feel bad about myself.

but in the real sense of everything. i guess i was making myself unhappy on my own. by not standing up for myself. and taking care of MY needs

**sigh*** well.. thats all. . i have emptied out most of my thoughts..

Feel free to leave your opinon. and i wont be offended. You dont have to pretend to agree if you dont.. or anything like that.. i'd appreciate the honesty more.

Frustrationsss

its just the same crap.. i want him, he doesnt want me.. and now i guess he's going out partying with girls and adding new bitches to his myspace.. and its just slowly killing me..

i dont know it for a fact but i saw the comments..(yes i know im lame for checking his page.. but i dont care).. so what the fuck ever he wants to say i know its not true

God, i just love him and i hate it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i am working to push forward but nothing is helping! i even went on a couple dates and they all just made me realize how bad i didnt want to be dating around again. . and they weren't even horrible dates. I simply just dont want to be with anyone besides him!

sometimes i just wish i could like hit by a car and put into a coma and lose all my memory.. so i wouldnt have to deal with all this shit.. thats what i want to happen right now.. as long as i get knocked unconscious in an instant cause i dont like physical pain either hahaha but really thats how bad i wish i could just forget about him. . like he has just forgotten about me.

the second a guy actually wants to stay with me i'll think twice but so far.. nope!

a guy i want to be with.. but so far the chances of that seem slim.. i know it might seem like im making a big deal out of this. and im only 20 and blah blah blah.. but i dont want to get married and have a family when im 30.. and its true that dating only gets harder as you get older.. not to mention the selection i would have available to me will only get worse and worse.. haha..

what is most frustrating about this is that this whole situation is no big deal for him. And let me tell you why i think this..
its because when i do actually talk to him.. when he finally makes a call or a text he is sooo damn happy!! and forgive me for being so selfish, but he could at least pretend like its effecting him. like he could at pretend for my sake that .. oh i dont know.. our 6 month relationship meant something to him.. even if it was just a little.. but it didnt .. and it wont ever.. and i invested way too much hope and emotion into the relationship now to be okay that it ended..

i just feel like such a fucking idiot that i really thought he could love me the way i loved him.. That i really meant as much to him as he did to me..

I can't stop thinking about all this either.. like i said before i have been on dates and all that to try and get him off my mind but he just wont leave my mind!!! everything i see, everywhere i go.. even just being out in california reminds me of him.. There is a song by kelly clarkson.. that totally describes what goes on daily for me righ.. called Addicted.. There has never been a song so perfect for how i feel right now..

lyrics:

It's like you're a drug
It's like you're a demon I can't face down
It's like I'm stuck
It's like I'm running from you all the time
And I know I let you have all the power
It's like the only company I seek is misery all around
It's like you're a leech
Sucking the life from me
It's like I can't breathe
Without you inside of me
And I know I let you have all the power
And I realize I'm never gonna quit you over time

It's like I can't breathe
It's like I can't see anything
Nothing but you
I'm addicted to you
It's like I can't think
Without you interrupting me
In my thoughts
In my dreams
You've taken over me
It's like I'm not me
It's like I'm not me

It's like I'm lost
It's like I'm giving up slowly
It's like you're a ghost that's haunting me
Leave me alone
And I know these voices in my head
Are mine alone
And I know I'll never change my ways
If I don't give you up now

It's like I can't breathe
It's like I can't see anything
Nothing but you
I'm addicted to you
It's like I can't think
Without you interrupting me
In my thoughts
In my dreams
You've taken over me
It's like I'm not me
It's like I'm not me

I'm hooked on you
I need a fix
I can't take it
Just one more hit
I promise I can deal with it
I'll handle it, quit it
Just one more time
Then that's it
Just a little bit more to get me through this
I'm hooked on you
I need a fix
I can't take it
Just one more hit
I promise I can deal with it
I'll handle it, quit it
Just one more time
Then that's it
Just a little bit more to get me through this

It's like I can't breathe
It's like I can't see anything
Nothing but you
I'm addicted to you
It's like I can't think
Without you interrupting me
In my thoughts
In my dreams
You've taken over me
It's like I'm not me

Will i really ever be a good person?

im sad.. why do guys have to be so.. i dont know.. so not in love with me?! haha.. its like they are (or pretend to be) but then for some reason it never ever lasts!! i hate being broken up with!!

Am i just not lovable enough for a true long term relationship or something? Because thats just how i feel lately.

im just sooo bummed. and sad. and discouraged .. and i really feel like i won't do everything right and no matter how hard i try, but i'm only human for gods sake!! it just seems the bad i do will always triumph over the good and i won't ever find someone that will want to be with me forever. Or even for more than 6 lousy months!

i know that i do bad things. i'm short tempered.. demanding in how i expect to be treated in a relationship.. I am needy, and emotional.. but thats just how i've always been.. i dont know how to change.. or if those things are normal? are they normal? or am i a class "A" wako when it comes to being a girlfriend.. im afraid i'm one of those girls that you hear your guy friends vent about.. saying "ugh! i went out with this one girl once.. she was a psycho!! etc.."

i just dont see how being myself is helping anything in my life.. like honest to god.. cause it seems like i constantly hurt everyone i care about! i dont have any best friends anymore that i had since i was young.. everyone i've ever been close with has left me and not just in the bf department

i must really be doing something wrong.. i must be really really a inconsiderate person or something..

if it were just guys then i'd blow it off but its everyone

I dont know.. i just feel like crap about myself right now.. and needed to vent.. which is why i even started one of these things.. but yeah.. i need help i think.

this is an email i received from a bf whom im not going to mention names but i think its proof that im a bad girlfriend.. i think you would agree..

Well ive been thinking about what you said and i just want to say that being with you at the beginning of our relationship was the most amazing thing ever, we got along very well, laughed alot and basically had a good time. But ive noticed that lately u have been acting more depressed and a bit more cranky, argumentative, and contradicting. Sometimes i feel as if im your punching bag and im beginning to get sick of it. I dont know why you tend to take it out on me alot but it only makes me think that things might not work out between us. Im sorry that things havent been going well in your life and i understand that its tough sometimes, but it still doesnt give you the right to take it out on me haha. Well i guess we can infer that we both have issues to work out but until then i think its best that we stay friends for now. Im sorry again if i hurt your feelings but im looking for someone that i can get a long with for the rest of my life. i mean i understand that not every relationship is perfect but it also doesnt mean that there should be arguing going on all the time. I believe that there is a fine line of respect that both partners shouldnt cross and that you should be able to get along with the person you love.

The part that stood out to me and kind of hurt me the most was the part i put in red.. when i read this i just wonder how long he's felt this way and just didnt bring it up.. because from my perspective in the relationship we got along so well! i felt like he was one of the only people in my life i could go to when i was upset, down or anything.. i felt like if i needed someone he was the one to go to.. which is where i also think i screwed up and which is where i think i mistakenly made him feel like a "punching bag".. its not that im trying to take things out on him.. i'm only trying to vent.. but i know that i have a bad habit of not venting the "right way".. and it comes off as taking things out on him.. i feel horrible that i make people feel that way though! especially when its some i care sooo much about!!! i dont know how to change the way i vent my feelings is the problem.. which is ANOTHER reason i decided to start a blog thingy.. i figured i could vent and hopefully not hurt anyone..

anyway.. i hate the way i feel right now :(

Dont know what to do..

i've just never felt so stranded like i feel like being out here..

i want to move back to utah but i dont want to at the same time

i want to cause i just feel like i know what to do there i know ppl and its easy for me to make friends there cause everyone i know is there. .but here i have a steady job, an apartment, and also i dont really want to leave a certain someone.. but he'll never move to utah cause he loves to surf too much to leave california

plus he already told me he'd never move anywhere far away from his family

i'm miserable and happy at the same time and i hate it

.. so why won't you leave him?

cause i dont want to leave him

but why you ask?

i just have a strong bond with him and i want him to be around too much to leave him

well its obvious im still attached to him.. but i really dont think its the type of attachment that will go away in a couple weeks/months like past boyfriends

and then no matter where i go i wont be happy cause i wont be able to see him

its kind of a lose lose situation im in here

so move on you say?

that could take months possibly years!

toooo long lol

i hate dating so bad you really dont even know

i've had pretty bad luck in my life haha.. unless i win the lottery i wont be trying my chances in dating anytime soon haha

yeah i know.. its my curse.. im doomed

oh and im crazy... i am one crazy lady

haha and im bad crazy trust me.. you just havent been in a relationship with me so you wouldnt know.. but im bad crazy.. im demanding in what i want in a relationship. i am emotional.. i need a lot of attention.. guys just cant handle it

and whats worse is when they think they can handle me and try dating me they end up feeling stuck in the relationship because im so needy..

i dont know how to change though.. i just really need that much attention

i think i need to change in order to be sane enough for someone to be able to be with me and not get totally drained by month 3

basically i dont know what to do.. "Help! I need somebody! Help! Not just anybody! Help! You know i need someone! Heeelllp!"