theres just times i want to cry and other times its like it doesnt even phase me.. but it all changes so frequently. i dont know what i feel or how i feel. or even why i feel that way.. i've never really felt like this. its new to me. and its hard to figure out.
it just sucks.. cause pretty much every memory i have in california somehow is connected with him cause i was never single long enough to make any memories where he wasnt right there with me. and so when i go out with friends or something and i'm having a good time and then we'll drive by something.. or someone will say something that triggers one of those memories.. its like i can't escape sometimes. even in my dreams. i've had 2 nightmares.
the night we broke up.. i had a nightmare. that i met nea ("the other girl"). and i was yelling at her and screaming and crying and hitting her as hard as i could.. and it wasnt doing anything.. she wasnt even getting hurt and it wasnt even effecting her.. and then i woke up from that ..and fell back asleep and the dream picked up again.. and she was just in her bra and underwear. and he was in his boxers. and they were rolling around.. and then started having sex.. i woke up sweating and crying from that dream..
i think that is the worst dream i've ever had and worst feelings i've ever felt. it hurt so deep inside me that i've just never felt a feeling like that before.
it felt real enough as if it had really happened.
the other one was just him not noticing i was there.. i kept trying to get his attention but it was like i was invisible. and it just had a really scary feeling to it.. a really deep feeling of being totally and completely alone.. and unnoticed. like i didnt even exist or something. like i was a ghost and he couldn't see or hear me even though i was right there in front of him.
.....
i'm really happy with my life right now. but at the same time i'm not.. like.. it doesn't really feel like i'm really living. i dont know.. that doesnt make sense. what i am trying to explain is that like.. it feels like i'm just floating through life right now. i'm not having any real feelings towards anything. i dont have desire towards anything. i'm just here. with no purpose. no real reason or thoughts for the future. its like i'm just watching myself. just watching myself do daily things.. but like i can't feel anything. its so weird. i'm so used to knowing how i'm feeling and what is causing my feelings. and what the necessary steps are to be better and overcome it. and now i just dont know or feel anything. well i do.. but its not me feeling it. its me watching myself feel it. only i dont actually know what it is i'm feeling. Ugh. its so hard to try and explain
its as if i'm in a cloud. i feel myself going but i have no clue where.Someone told me "its a part of flow"
well im sick of flowing.
fuck the flow.
lol
i feel like i'm lost again. like i'm missing part of myself. and i dont know where it went.
the only thing left that i know how to do is just breath now.
keep my heart pumping.
its like nothing has a purpose anymore. i just dont know what i'm doing
i had myself. i knew who i was. what i stood for. what i wanted in life. and now its like i have amnesia
maybe its time to reinvent myself.
i guess in actuality i have no choice but to reinvent myself. cause i no longer know who i am. or was.
i'm just going to start focusing on me. and me only for a while.
i just think i've been focusing so much on trying to do things for him. even if it wasn't what i thought was fair or what i wanted. because i wanted him to be happy. cause when he's happy he's not mad at me. and then i dont feel bad about myself.
but in the real sense of everything. i guess i was making myself unhappy on my own. by not standing up for myself. and taking care of MY needs
**sigh*** well.. thats all. . i have emptied out most of my thoughts..
Feel free to leave your opinon. and i wont be offended. You dont have to pretend to agree if you dont.. or anything like that.. i'd appreciate the honesty more.
